i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
