I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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