Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
