Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize