Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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