a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need moral support for this bender
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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