can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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