I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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