went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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