why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
