Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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