Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
