the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
