I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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