I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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