literally had 100 drinks last night.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize