i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
