Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
