everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
