What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
