Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize