I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
