She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
