There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
