New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
