TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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