I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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