i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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