can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize