Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
