Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize