Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
