If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
