Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
