Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's great music for shaving your balls
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
