if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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