I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize