just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
