So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
