your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
