i don't like sucking hair
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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