My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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