I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
