I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
