No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
