just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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