$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
