I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
