My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize