I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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