my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
