Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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