you traded sex for a burrito?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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