also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
sex in a hospital.. check
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
