my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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