I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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