You can't special order awesome
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
