you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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