Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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