I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
