I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
