you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
