My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
